I Don’t Know What I Want

Sarah Vermunt: [00:00:00] I don't know what I want. 

Isn't that an absolutely infuriating. Feeling. You're a perfectly capable person. You pay your taxes, you go to the gym once in a while. You're a fully functioning adult and you've made it through life this far. 

But you can't figure out what you want for your career. In your life. If you feel like that you might be wondering. What the hell is wrong with me? Why on earth? Can't I figure this out. Well, here's the good news. There is nothing wrong with you. And there are some very good reasons why you feel lost, why you can't figure that out. We're going to talk about those today and also how to finally crack that nut so you can figure out what the heck you want and get unstuck. Are you with me? 

Let's go.

Whew. How the heck do I figure out what I want? And why is that question so hard? Those are the two questions we're going to be exploring today. Now you and I will get to know each other in the coming weeks in the coming episodes, but here's something that might be helpful for you to know. Right off the bat. 

I'm a career coach and a really big part of my work. Is helping people make career changes. And this question. This, how do I figure out what I want question. Is the number one. Problem people come to me with. 

 I tend to work with, you know, very intelligent, successful, capable people. Um, you know, they have a sense that they're not in the right place. They know enough to know they need to change. So they know what's wrong. But they don't yet know what would feel right. What would feel [00:01:00] better? And trust me, it is not for lack of trying. A lot of these people have been trying to figure this thing out for years. Maybe you have to. And so. I just want to start today by saying there are a lot of people in this in-between limbo space. Where they know. Uh, change is needed. 

There's a pivot. There's a tweak. There's a overhaul. There's a, something that needs to happen. But in order for that thing to happen. They need to know what's next. And so they feel really paralyzed about this. So. There's a good chance that you either are in this place. This last place, this place of stuckness. Or that you have been in this place in the past. Or, and I'm sorry to say. You will be [00:02:00] in this place. Sometime in the future. Because we all go through this at some point. . 

So, this is a big question that a lot of people struggle with. 

And in my experience, The first part of getting unstuck when you're grappling with this question. His first finding out. Why you're stuck. It helps you look at the specific gears that are clogged up. 

And so for a few minutes, we're going to look at why you might be feeling lost. Okay. Now, listen, I know there are some people who are going to be like chop, chop cut to the chase lady. I just want to know what my thing is. I just want to know what the next thing is. If that's you hang in there, we will absolutely get to that. But in order to get unstuck, we have to make sure we're looking at this issue from the right angle. 

And the truth is. There are a handful of different reasons why you might feel stuck. [00:03:00] Y you might not know what you want. And so let's go through a couple of those together. 

There are three or four main reasons I've noticed over the years, why people tend to be stuck. Around not knowing what they want, even though they're trying really, really hard to figure it out and genuinely want to get unstuck. So one of the first reasons why you might be feeling stuck. You just don't know what you want and you can't figure it out. Is. Because you're the kind of person who's. Always followed the rules. You do, what's expected of you, maybe you've pursued a career path. That someone told you you should pursue, or perhaps one that someone told you was the quote unquote safest option. , or maybe you chose a path because the world told you it was exceptional. And this was the kind of thing that was going to make you happy. 

[00:04:00] You might be a career climber. So you're the kind of person who's, generally speaking, checked all the boxes. And you're kicking ass and taking numbers all the way. 

If that's you. 

And you find yourself. In this place where it's not feeling great. You might be thinking. 

W w w w what's going on here? I literally did everything right. Why doesn't this feel better? I followed all the rules. I did all the things. I worked really hard. And this is not living up to what I was promised. So, you know, you might have some feelings of resentment there, right? Because. You delivered your half. And the situation you're in the world, you're in the context you're in. Is not living up to the hype. [00:05:00] 

Right. Now for folks like this, you've maybe built a career, based on some choices that are externally driven. Right. Following what society suggests might make you happy, really heating what other people say would be good for you. And you've worked really hard at it, probably, but it has probably been. A long time. Since you've accessed your desire. 

And in fact, Depending on your conditioning. You might have grown up never really being taught. How to access your desire. It might not have been okay for you to access your desire, because what was most important for your survival? I was just doing whatever one else wanted you to do. 

 Looking inside was not how you were taught to make decisions. And actually, I think this is true for a lot of us. Even if we had really wonderful [00:06:00] parenting, wonderful mentors. For many of us, this is the world we grew up in. These are the societal. Things that we were told to do. And if you were really good at paying attention and following the rules, You probably checked the boxes and did everything right. But. That doesn't necessarily mean. It feels good for you. Not at this point in time. 

So that's one reason why you might be feeling lost. Because. You followed the prescription. You've done all the things, but the payoff isn't there. 

Another reason why you might not be able to figure out what you want. Is because you have a life that is very full. Very hectic. There is no time or space to hear your inner voice. And God isn't that life for a lot of us. [00:07:00] Right. I think this is very common. A lot of the. A lot of the parents of young children that I work with are in this scenario. They're in this crazy stage of life. Where it feels like they're just treading water. They don't have a ton of time or energy to get through the day. Let alone, take some time. For themselves. 

And so a really common thing I hear from these folks is. I feel like I've lost myself and I don't know how to find my way back. 

 It's not only the young parents who. Struggle with this. You might be someone who has simply. You know, Out of habit as a coping mechanism, as a form of distraction. You may have filled your life with things to do right to the very tippy top with no time or space [00:08:00] for anything else. Now the tricky thing is there. Uh, figuring out what you want does require some space and it does require some time. And some stillness. And if you're not used to operating that way, Or if you have some constraints that really limit your ability to operate that way. It's going to be harder to hear that internal voice because of the chaos and the cacophony. Of. Events in your life. And so one of the feelings you might be experiencing is some pretty deep frustration. You know, you probably sense that you need some stillness, but you don't know how to slow down this ride. 

You're on. And so that's one of the reasons why you might be feeling. A little bit lost. 

A third reason why you might not know what you want. Is [00:09:00] simply that you've outgrown the old thing. So you were doing something that felt good at one point. But it doesn't feel good anymore. Because you've changed or your work environment has changed or your industry has changed. Now I will say. My personal take on this is that as a human on planet earth, the whole purpose of being here. Is for each of us to grow and change and evolve. And so if you find your industry is fine, the job is technically fine, but it's just not doing it for you anymore. It's likely that you've just changed and you've outgrown the path you're on. It's kind of like outgrowing your favorite sweater. And having to go shopping for something else, but like, Yeah. 

Like you, you can't really find it right away. Right? Like, it's not like the [00:10:00] next thing you look at is necessarily going to be it. It's just not going to do it for you. yOu've outgrown the old thing. And you don't know what the next thing is yet. You're in that limbo place. And if that's you, you likely feel some sense of confusion or some sense of disillusion. You know, you might be thinking like, wait a minute, what went wrong? 

Things were ticking along nicely here. And something changed. So there's, there's kind of like a. Like a record scratch kind of feeling for these folks. And a little bit of confusion around why things don't feel good now. 'cause they used to feel okay. 

Now there is a fourth reason why you might know what you want, and it's a little bit complicated than the others. 

And I guess. I guess the way I want to raise this group is by asking a question. [00:11:00] 

Is there a part of you? That doesn't want to know. 

Because there's a difference between not knowing what you want. And not really admitting what you want or not really wanting to know what you want. And we're talking like a subconscious unconscious part here. I certainly know the folks I work with. They're genuinely trying to figure out what they want. But sometimes there's this part of them. A subconscious unconscious part of them. That feels a little bit threatened by this idea of figuring out. Exactly what they want. 

There's this part that's trying to protect them. From fear or uncertainty or disappointment. Trying to protect them from fear associated with any desire that they might feel. 

Because the tricky thing about knowing what you want. Is then having to do something about it. Right. When, you know what you want, you either have to do something about [00:12:00] it or knowingly let yourself down. And that's a. Pretty tricky situation to be in. Right. You're really on the hook for something there. So in a lot of ways, there's nothing scarier than admitting what you want. Especially if you're afraid that you can't have it. 

Something to consider. If you look at all of these. For reasons I've just quickly sort of highlighted for you here. You know, not knowing what you want because you've sort of followed the prescribed path in life. And you've never really accessed your desire because you've been a little more externally focused. Or if you have a very hectic full life and you don't really have space to answer the question. Or if you've simply outgrown. The thing you used to like. Or if there's a part of you that is a bit afraid of learning. What it is you want. The answer. To all of [00:13:00] those. Stumbling blocks. 

I'll call them. 

Is looking inward. All four of them. That's what they require. And so. 

We, we need to create a situation where we create the time. And the space and the willingness to look inward for these answers because annoyingly, all of the answers are always inside. That's been my experience. We need to create the time, the space, the willingness to look inward and. We need to create and protect the little pockets of time to do this. But then what.

Let's say you develop the willingness to look inward for your answers. 

And let's say you develop a few little pockets of time to look at this stuff. What do you do then? Even if you have the time and space and the willingness to look [00:14:00] at. These questions. The big, the big question of what do I want? 

That is a loaded question. It's a heavy question. Like. Asking yourself what your dream job is or what your purpose is. I that can be pretty paralyzing because the stakes are pretty high. It's not a question. Like, what do I want to wear today? Where do I want to go on vacation? What do I want in my career? Is a question that has really big implications and whatever you choose is going to have really big ripple effects on the rest of your life. 

Right. So even if you create the time and space to explore this. Sometimes it can still feel paralyzing. So I have found that we have to do something to take the pressure off. 

Because sometimes when we're so deeply focused on finding the right answer, We're clenching a [00:15:00] little too hard. It's like, have you ever been really trying, trying, trying to solve a problem either in your work life or in your personal life? And you just can't figure it out and you kind of feel like you're spinning your wheels. And you, you, you know, you. Let's say this particular problem you've been working on for an hour or two. 

Okay. So it's like a smallest problem, not a big life problem. And working on it for a couple hours or two. Can't figure it out and then you're like, Okay. Screw this. I'm going to take the dog for a walk and then I'm going to come back to this. And then of course. When you're taking the dog for a walk or when you're doing whatever thing is the break from the problem solving. Suddenly, it's kind of like you get hit by lightning. , something comes to you. 

There's a new idea. There's a new angle. You look at the problem from, and it's actually the space you give yourself. That helps you solve this problem. I think this is very helpful [00:16:00] when we're asking this big career question as well. How do I figure this out? How do I get clarity? What you got to do is loosen your grip. And that is not a fun thing to hear. 

I will admit. It is not fun to have been struggling with this problem for a couple of years. And have someone say to you, what you're really need to do is relax, honey. 

And. And as annoying as it is. It's it's also kind of true, right? Both of those things are true, right. It doesn't feel good, but there's, there's a little bit of truth to it. And that is so annoying. So we need to loosen our grip. For a little while.

So here's what I do with the people I work with when they're struggling with this question. We simply press pause just for a little while, couple of weeks, a month or two. We press pause. On needing to know exactly [00:17:00] what the dream job is. And instead. We spend a little bit of time. Digging around with what I call career ingredients. And what I mean by that. Is the tasks. The people, the environments. That you want more of in the next phase of your career, as well as. Understanding. The tasks, people and environments that you definitely want less of. In the next phase of your career. What are those? 

Are there some things from your past jobs or your current job? That you have genuinely enjoyed. Can you get specific about what those things are? Are their people. People with certain qualities and characteristics that you genuinely like to be around. Have you had a really great boss that you really liked. 

What was it about that person that you really appreciated? Maybe you've [00:18:00] had a couple of colleagues that you really enjoyed working with. What was it about those people? That would make you want to work with someone like them again? Have you worked in an environment that was really lovely, a place that had a really great company culture. And likewise, what have been the things in your career that have really gotten under your skin? What are some things you just do not like doing. The things that make you want to scratch your eyeballs, pull your hair out. What are they. And why do you hate them? 

Same thing goes for some of your, uh, uh, least favorite people you've collaborated with and worked for. What specifically was it? That got under your skin about that person, that interaction, that scenario. And as well, what sort of environments do you just not thrive in? 

These answers are going to be different for [00:19:00] everybody. And that's one of the reasons why. These answers are inside, right? It'd be so lovely. If someone could just hand you a prescription for what a quote unquote happy successful career looks like. But it doesn't work that way because we all want different things. And we all come with different experiences and natural gifts. 

Right. So that's why this is an internal. Dilemma. And you'll find on this podcast. What I'm really here to give you are good questions, not answers because you have the answers. But there are some questions that will help you. Get there. So. We loosen our grip a little bit by doing a little bit of this sort of loose playful brainstorming. 

And list-making about. The kind of things that light us up and the kind of things that bring us down. When I'm working with clients, I call this the hell yes. List and the hell no list. [00:20:00] Or sometimes I call it the hissy fit list and the squeals of delight list. Because if you can imagine yourself as a two year old. I guarantee there are some things maybe even in your current job that make you want to flop around on the floor. Like a two year old who's been told he can't have the candy that he wants from the candy aisle. 

Right. There are some things that just, really drive you crazy. And then there are some things, you know, two year olds are wonderful when they experience joy and happiness. Like you see it, they do not hide it. There are probably some things, if not in your current job, at least somewhere in your past. 

That will give you that feeling of lightness that light you up a little bit. 

And by the way, don't limit yourself to only looking at your past jobs. Take a look at the groups you've been involved with volunteering. Courses you've taken that you'd like anything from your personal life that really lights you up. The thing about only looking at your [00:21:00] career history is. It's only going to give you so much information because there might be a lot of things that you either experienced in your personal life. Or haven't yet experienced that you'd maybe like to include in the next phase of your career? So. My advice is if you are wanting to start some of these lists, It's actually easier to start with the list of stuff you don't want, because I can guarantee there are at least three or four or five things. That you can easily recall. That have been. Negative experiences in your work life that you would like less of as you move forward. I also have a couple of free worksheets. 

I can give you, uh, if you're someone who likes structure for this, I'll put those in the show notes. 

So. Here's why this works. When we were a little more playful when we give ourselves a little more space and a little less pressure. [00:22:00] Sometimes it helps us think more creatively. About. What's next. It also helps us get a little bit more specific. In coming up with. Like individual examples of what we've enjoyed in the past and why and what we haven't enjoyed in the past. 

And why. Now when you do that. What you end up with? Is this, this big soupy list. And let me tell you that is not going to, it's not like angels are going to come down from on high and oh, you'll have the answer. But what you can do. As you can take a look at that list and you can do what I call theme hunting. 

You can sort of pool all that stuff together and say, Okay. What does this list? Tell me about myself. Are there a couple of things that hang together here. Oh, I see. I'm actually a really [00:23:00] introverted person. And I really would prefer having some more solitary work as a part of my work life. 

And here I am in this job that requires me to be on. And connecting with other people 24 7. No wonder it's a bad fit. Or maybe you look at your list and you realize. I'm a deeply creative person and there is not a single part of my job. That is creative. I'm doing a lot of repetitive work and I'm doing a lot of stuff that yes, I can do. But it doesn't actually let me flex any of the things I care about or use any of my natural gifts and talents. Or maybe you look at your list and you realize, oh, I, I think I maybe want an opportunity to make something. I've always enjoyed making things. 

I've always enjoyed you. Something [00:24:00] like problem solving that leads to a solution where you make something and I don't actually get to do any of that in my career right now. So if you let them, your lists will talk to you. They won't give you a specific job title. But they will help you with some self-awareness and that's a really, really good place to start. So this idea of taking a short break from needing to know the specific job title. Is helpful because it's kind of like the difference between hunting for the answer and simply going, exploring, and seeing what you come up with. Do you feel the energetic difference between those two things? When you're just sort of exploring and seeing what comes up. There's a certain degree of openness about that. There's uh, a certain degree of chill that isn't really there when you're hunting for [00:25:00] something. 

When you're clinging really hard. And it turns out that that sort of. Looseness that sort of space that you create to think creatively. Is really, really important. As one of the first steps. Uh, figuring out what's next for you. So what you'll do if you do this exercise as you'll develop a little bit of self-awareness. And maybe a greater understanding of why, the things that drive you crazy drive you crazy. And why the things that light you up light you up. And that's a really beautiful starting place.

When we stop approaching this question of what do I want when we stop approaching it in a linear way? It takes the pressure off. And I think it's the pressure of this big question that often is the thing that paralyzes us. It's kind of like, um, It's kind of like approaching a shy cat. [00:26:00] You know, like you, you want to get a little closer, but you have to kind of like shimmy over to it from the side. You have to take your time. You don't go full at the cat really fast, full force directly at its face. You sort of just let it know you're there and you're sort of shimmy on over. Sometimes the best approach to these big career questions is the same thing. 

We can use that approach to take a little bit of pressure. Off of ourselves. When we're asking the big questions. So your challenge, should you choose to accept it is twofold. One. Think about those four groups I talked about around why you might be feeling stuck. 

Are you someone who's, you know, kind of. Navigated your career by following the rules and doing what's expected of you. And now. [00:27:00] You're saying that, you know, whoa, that has not paid off. Are you someone who has a very hectic, full life. Without a lot of space to consider these big questions. Did you maybe just outgrow the old thing, you know, you've just grown as a person and what was once for you isn't really for you anymore. Or are you in that last group where you sense that, you know, maybe there's a part of yourself that feels a little threatened by this idea of figuring out what you want. And so that, that fear block is, uh, is keeping you paralyzed when you're asking yourself these questions. Once you figure out what group you're a part of, that's going to help you. Determine what to look at to figure out what you need to loosen, what you need to work on. And I am not the kind of person who's going to come here each week and give you. Uh, perky quick three bulleted.[00:28:00] , Solution. To this career stuff. 

These are going to be nuanced conversations. And I like to approach this career stuff from a very human angle. And the truth is as humans, we are complicated. And so this internal work we're dealing. Is not a quick fix scenario and it's not an easy solution scenario. And so I'd love for you to hang with me. And explore some of these things together. As you're finding your way to feel good work. 

If you would like some support to do this, if you're the kind of person who loves to sink your teeth into a bit of structure and a couple of worksheets, I have three free worksheets for you. 

And I will put them in the show notes. You can find all of them at the Careergasm crash course, which thousands of people have done 

to help them do exactly what we're talking about today to start to [00:29:00] gently figure out what's next for you. I'll put those in the show notes. 

I know you can do this and I'm happy to help. Thanks for being here. Talk to you next time. 

Hey. I'm still here. I know it's not every day. You try listening to a new podcast because there's only so much time in the day and you already have your favorites. Me too. So. I just wanted to say, thanks for taking a chance on listening to this one. If you liked it, I would love for you to subscribe. And maybe share this episode with a friend who feels lost or stuck in their career right now. There is so much more we are going to talk about. 

So here's some of the stuff that's coming up in season one. We will be talking about that dance between fear and desire. You know that the. The push and [00:30:00] pull of wanting something, but having some fear associated with that, definitely get into that. We'll talk about how to figure out if you should quit your job. Whew. 

That's a big question. And we will get into it. We'll talk about. How to survive this crazy system of work. We're all in. I mean, I won't get into the tangent right now, but this is a crazy system we're in. And individually, we don't have a lot of power. It feels. But we do have some power. And so how do we navigate this crazy system? 

We're in. We will also talk about how to fine tune your intuition so that you can make some good choices for yourself in your career. Plus lots more. Thanks for being here. I'll see you next time.