The part of you that is afraid needs your help

Sarah Vermunt: [00:00:00] Do you ever feel like fear and intuition are in some kind of existential cage match where only one can win and get the title for ultimate dominance? And do you notice how, when we're in that push pull arm wrestling, cage, matchy kind of energy. We often make fear. The enemy. 

Interesting. Because what if fear isn't the enemy? What if it's just trying to keep us safe. Today, we're going to talk about how to shine some light on fear. How to understand it better and how to invite it to the table so that we can make good decisions that feel both aligned. And safe. Plus why it's not a good idea to try to dominate suppress or override your fear. This one could be a real game changer. Let's [00:01:00] go.

Welcome to Careergasm. This is a place to help you find your way to feel good work. I'm Sarah Vermnt and I help people navigate their careers. I'm a career coach, a best-selling author. And my work has been featured at places like Forbes, fortune Inc entrepreneur and fast company. On this show, we talk about career navigation and career change. And specifically the human side. Of work where the professional is personal. We have heartfelt nuanced conversations about navigating your career, including all of the squishy feelings that come along with being a human at work. Thanks for listening. I'm glad you're here.

We are continuing this little series I'm doing on intuition, and we're really doing a deep dive today [00:02:00] on the fear response to the idea of following your intuition. And the timing for this couldn't be more perfect. I am very close to starting a new program. With a group of people who are wanting to start businesses. Write books, create art. 

So people who have been brave enough to decide to sort of follow that little gut nudge. Towards something that's been pulling on their heartstrings. But boy, I think like that will certainly activate a lot of fear. And so here's what I want to say off the top. It's really normal to experience fear. Around any sort of change. Uh, in your career in your life. And the part of you that is afraid. Isn't bad. It just needs your help. Sometimes we demonize fear without even really consciously doing so. 

 But because fear is a normal response to [00:03:00] change and trying something new. It's really a mistake for us to think that we should. Override our fear that we should banish it. That we should dominate it in some way. We don't need our fears to go away. We just need to shine a little bit of light on them. And actually what we need to do is get curious about them. 

So I'll be talking a little bit about curiosity around your fear today. You know, Uh, having a fear come up around something you're maybe planning to do in your career. Uh, maybe making a change, maybe trying something new, maybe building something. It's kind of like. Your fear is kind of like a child that's coming to you. And telling you that they're scared of something. If a child came to you and told you that they were scared of something, you probably would not scream at that child. 

Right? You probably wouldn't try to punish that child for voicing a concern for voicing a fear. But so many of us have sort of [00:04:00] a, a punishing response to fear and punishing our fear. Doesn't make it go away. Instead what you want to do. If that child comes to you in this analogy. You're going to listen to that child. 

You're going to try to understand what they're saying. You're going to try to acknowledge their feelings. And you're going to speak to them in a soft voice and reassure them. 

Well, when was the last time you really listened to your fear? And I mean, really listened, not just had it running in the background. Like when was the last time you had a conversation with your fear and. Have you ever responded to your fear with a soft. Voice. I'll admit, that's not something I do very often, but when I do things go better for me, I find that my fear is just trying to draw my attention to something. 

So [00:05:00] like, can you feel the energy between those two things I'm talking about between those two approaches that harsh judgy punishing energy? Around fear versus a more open. Curious. Approach with a softer voice.

What can be helpful when a fear comes up around your career? Is to actually have a calm conversation with your fear instead of trying to banish it, instead of trying to override it. This can. Counter intuitively. Be a very good thing for nurturing your intuition. And here's why.

Our subconscious fears are running the show behind the scenes. 

Anyway, whether we know it or not. And this is why it's not a good idea to try to override your fear. If you don't acknowledge it and address it, it's going to try even [00:06:00] harder to run the show. It's going to scream even louder to get your attention. So there's something about willingly turning your attention to your fear that can actually help. Comment and soften the edges a little bit and just turn down the volume a little bit. Otherwise, it's going to try to run the show. 

One of my brothers is a television writer. And when you're a writer on a TV show, the leader in the room in the writer's room is called a show runner. And that's the person. In charge who's, making all the, all the big decisions and sort of pulling everything together. 

And so fear, fear will nominate itself to be the show runner of your life. 

If you don't step in. And take the leadership role yourself. So here's how I find that we can step in and take that leadership role instead of letting [00:07:00] fear have the wheel. I find that curiosity is our best friend and our secret weapon when it comes to fear. And here's what that sounds like. That just sounds like noticing when fear comes up. Just saying, oh, okay. I noticed the sphere is coming up. Okay. 

I noticed this feeling is coming up again. Okay. Do I see any patterns about what I'm thinking about? Do I notice what in particular I'm spiraling about? Can I go a little bit deeper with the specificity around what this fear is trying to tell me? And can I do that in a way that's calm. And actually a great way to deal with it at the beginning is just to notice the fear first to try not to fix it right away, because jumping from noticing to fixing is usually too big, a jump. If you haven't been very curious about your fear for a long, if you're used to just acquiescing to your fear, like giving it the wheel or banishing it and not looking at [00:08:00] it. Immediately jumping from noticing to fixing is really hard. 

Most fears will soften on their own a little bit. Once you shine some light on them. So even just noticing your fears and noticing specifically what they're saying, I can be really helpful. And you want to give it some curious attention. Curiosity requires open-mindedness and the desire to learn more. And also the willingness to be surprised. Like. That huh? Feeling you have when you see something in a new way. That's what I'm talking about. 

Like just sort of giving yourself a little bit of distance between you and your fear so that you can act like an observer. And here's what I've noticed. You can't be curious and closed off at the same time. You also, can't be curious. And certain about something at the [00:09:00] same time. You've probably noticed that your fear feels very certain. That things are going to go a certain way, usually in a bad direction. , but curiosity pulls us out of that mental judgment and that rigidity. Away from sorting and categorizing things. And experiences and possibilities into binaries of good and bad or right and wrong. So there's something about intentional curiosity that. Widens our capacity for perspective. And it expands our thinking, even if it's only momentarily. So here's. An interesting question that you could ask yourself. What would happen? If you became curious about your fear. Instead of banishing it or blindly following it because that's what most people do. 

They either try to push it down or , they [00:10:00] just do whatever the fear is telling them. And both of those things. Banishing your fear or blindly following your fear, both of those things happen because usually because we're not actually engaging. With our fear enough. 

Now, some of you might hear that and you might say Jesus Christ. 

I feel like I'm constantly engaging with my fear. It's always running. Well, You know, like it's, it's always running in the background, but are you really engaging with it? Like if you feel like your fear is a screaming baby in the room, Have you tried to pick up the baby or is it just running in the background? Maybe it's time to pick up the baby. That's the difference between letting your fear run in the background? And actually engaging with it. 

You might be hearing it often, but that's very different than actively engaging with it with some [00:11:00] curiosity. 

Now a lot of people walk around with this sort of unconscious story. When they're thinking about career change, or maybe making something new or trying something new. They, they, they sort of have, have the story in their head. Well, I can either follow my intuition. Or I can be safe. Those are my two options. And that's what your fear is telling you, right? Fear really loves to present. A dichotomy. It really loves the binary. But like, does your fear have all of the information or is it presenting you with a false dichotomy? 

Like, well, you can either do this or you can do that. And usually one of those options leaves you feeling powerless and the other one leaves you feeling fucked and neither of those feel great.

Like I can have a job. I hate that pays the bills. Or I can do something that I enjoy, but I'll probably end up living in a van down by the river. Do you see the crazy dichotomy [00:12:00] between those two things? Of course, there are many options between those things. 

So a great question to ask yourself, is, am I operating from a place of binary extremes? When my fear comes up? The part of you that is afraid will want to over simplify the issue. It will give you an option, a and an option B and one is good and one is bad. That is not how life works. There is another part of you that can hold a space for more nuance than that. For more than two rigid binary outcomes. Uh, binary thinking is what gives us that stuck between a rock and a hard place feeling. And so when we feel stuck, usually that's a very good sign that we're stuck in binary thinking, and we need to make space for more nuance. And what I mean by that. Is leave some space for more options between a and B, [00:13:00] because there's probably a hundred different little variations between a and B. So here's a good question to ask yourself when you think you might be spiraling with fear. Am I engaging in binary thinking. And how can I do this in a way that feels safe because when you feel afraid of something. It's usually because a part of you doesn't feel safe. 

So instead of toggling between these two shitty binary options, Ask yourself. Okay. Is there a way for me to move towards the thing that feels good for me, but for me to do it in a way that feels safe. That's probably going to require that you think a little more creatively. And it's certainly going to require that you think outside of the binary. You know, it's interesting. 

Fear is a lot like, uh, when you're driving, it's a lot like that check engine light that comes on on the dashboard. Or [00:14:00] like the, the warrant, the little light that comes on that tells you that you're low on fuel, you know, those little caution lights on the dashboard. You know, sometimes that light is telling you that something is urgent, but more often than not, it's just drawing your attention to something that you need to consider. 

And there is a difference between noticing that there's something you need to consider. And panicking. Those are two very different things. So a great thing to do. When you do notice your fear coming up, it's probably coming up in a panicky sort of shoddy crying, baby voice. If you haven't given it much attention, but you can reinterpret that and reframe it as, okay. 

There's just something here to consider. So. Ask yourself. What is my fear asking me to consider. 

Can I do that calmly. Okay, fear. Thanks for letting me know. I've got this under [00:15:00] consideration now. I've got it. And then also ask yourself, can I move beyond binary thinking to think about this in a nuanced way? I think you can. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.

Hey, Hey. Still here. Support for moving through fear is a huge component of all of the work I do. And that's because fear is such a natural human response to change. If you feel like you're on the cusp of a change and you need a little bit of support to help navigate that. I will pop a link to all of my programs in the show notes. And you are always very welcome to reach out and send me a little note before you ever sign up for anything. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.