The Quest for Control

Sarah Vermunt: [00:00:00] Can we talk about our desperate quest for control. And how that is such a universally normal, understandable human thing for us to do. But also how we spin out and waste so much time and energy. Trying to control stuff that we literally can't. Like think about how much energy you put into trying to predict or control. The future. In your career, all of the, what ifs, all of the things you've got swimming in your head, 24 7. Trying to. Predict how things are going to play out. We're going to talk about that today, trying to predict a future in your career. And spoiler alert. 

I don't have a snappy easy solution for you. But I do think there are ways that we can. Gently. Loosen our [00:01:00] grip. 

Welcome to Careergasm. This is a place to help you find your way to feel good work. My name is Sarah Vermunt. I'm a career coach, a best-selling 

Author. And my work has been featured at places like Forbes for gen Inc entrepreneur and fast company. On this show, we talk about career navigation and career change, and specifically. The human side of work, where the professional is personal. We have heartfelt nuanced conversations about navigating your career, including all of the squishy feelings that come along with being a human at work. Thanks for listening. I'm glad you're here. 

So, let me begin by saying that wanting control is not inherently bad. We should influence and direct things that are [00:02:00] within our control. That's called agency and personal power. And it's good for us to use our agency. But trying to control things becomes problematic when it's misdirected. When we're trying to control things that actually aren't within our sphere of control. Like. Trying to control the future. And how things will go out over the next 30 years with your career, or what's going to happen in the economy. 

That's not within your sphere of control. So this predictability thing, how things will play out in the coming years. We spent a lot of time leaking energy here. Trying to think about the safest option or the best option or the most predictable thing. And it's just not possible. And I got to tell you. As a career coach, uh, every once in a while I run into people. [00:03:00] Maybe if I'm at like some speaking at event or something. And someone's dad. It's always someone's dad. Someone's dad will come along. And they'll the Alaska pointed question. 

Like, well, you know, what are the, what are the best jobs in the economy right now? And, what are the safest options for someone to choose when they're 20. 

And I always feel like saying. Well, I'm sorry. I forgot my crystal ball at home today, sir. But that is not a question I can answer for you. And here's the tricky thing. There are people. Who will try to answer that for you. And I always say, be very wary of those people telling you exactly how things are going to play out in the coming decades, because we don't know even the best economists will tell you that they only have an idea of how things might go. 

And that's all based on past data. And as we [00:04:00] know. Every once in a while we get some curve balls, right. 

But it is natural to want to know how things are going to go in your career. And it is natural to want to feel safe as you're making big decisions about what to do with your career. 

But, you know, the truth is trying to calculate predictability with a lot of specificity is a future focused flavor. Of grasping after control. And what we're really doing when we do that is we're trying to choose the right move now so that we don't have to be agile and adaptable in the future. I don't really think that we. We know that we're consciously doing that, but that's what we're doing. 

It's like, we're trying to like tie things up with a bow now and make one decision that is going to feel safe and good for the rest of our working [00:05:00] lives. 

Do you see, how do you see how. Crazy. That is, do you see how. Loaded that makes that one decision also. Do you see how. Impractical that is in a changing world. And so too much time spent here too much time trying to choose exactly the right move so that everything will always be okay. That's not a good use. For a lot of your time and energy, because spoiler alert, there is no decision that you can make right now. That is going to make everything okay. 

And good for the rest of your future. It, you know, we have to, we have to surf the waves that are inevitably going to come. Right. And so. I guess what I'm saying is life, isn't something you solve [00:06:00] partway through, and then you get to sort of lean back and put your arms behind your head and put your feet up on the desk and then just sort of coast, knowing that you've made a good decision. Life is meant to be played out right until the end, like a game of chess or a game of basketball where you're choosing your moves and then you're responding as you go. 

But there is no way to calculate the end game from the very beginning. 

And I'll say it. That is incredibly frustrating. It's super frustrating because there is something comforting about the idea. The illusion of a sure thing. Feeling like there's a sure thing kind of feels like. Having someone tuck you into bed. With your favorite little stuffed animal. , it just gives you like such a lovely feeling of security. It's false security, but it's a nice [00:07:00] feeling, right? 

Feeling like there's some sort of fail, safe thing that you can choose. That'll keep you safe. 

But knowingness is also. On the flip side of that coin, it's also quite freeing and here's why. If a sure forever thing doesn't exist. We can just stop wasting so much of our energy desperately grasping. After the control that we seek.

And so like, if we know the jig is up the pressure's off, right? It's like if we, if, if we're okay to face this reality, it does take the pressure off in a way, because we're no longer grasping after that one fail-proof decision.

But I want to talk to you about. Plannicking. 

And plannicking is planning. From a place of panic. It is. When you're making decisions [00:08:00] with fear. In the driver's seat. Instead of strapped into the passenger seat where it should be, you know, fear's always going to be on the journey around these big career decisions, but you don't want it to in the driver's seat. And. Plannicking is what we do when we consciously, or usually unconsciously. I make decisions that are coming from that, really fear spiky place of panic. And a lot of people make career decisions, this ways in a lot of different, um, types of career decisions. 

So I'll tell you about a few of those situations. I tend to work with a lot of people on career change. And very often when I first meet people, There are people who have felt trapped in their jobs for a very long time. , And they feel trapped because they feel like they don't have any other options. They are absolutely [00:09:00] spiraling with. Very loaded. 

What ifs? What if this happens? What if I leave my job and do something else? What if this next thing doesn't work out? And it's very hard for someone to make empowered choices. Unless they take an honest look at some of that fear. That's spiraled a little out of control. And so if you, if you don't gently address some of that stuff, what you end up doing is you end up plannicking. And letting fear take the wheel and only choosing decisions that feel like there's no risk involved. And usually what that involves is not making any decision at all or deciding to stick with the status quo because the status quo feels safest. Now the status quo often, isn't the safest thing to do, but it feels safest because it's familiar. Right. So plan a gang for someone who's. [00:10:00] Trying to navigate their career is like a mid career professional. Can often look like paralysis and not making a decision. Because everywhere they look feels risky. But they're failing to assess the risks associated to staying with there are, and there are many, we'll get into that in a couple minutes. Another place. 

I see. Plannicking happening. Is with some of the aspiring entrepreneurs I work with. Sometimes when people are getting ready to try something new. Or do something that they haven't done before. They will research something to death. Before they even take a toe dip or a small action. Now that's okay for a while. 

You definitely want to do your research and gather good information before you execute something. But if you do that chronically for a very long time, it's going to get in your way. [00:11:00] And so at some point, Planning. It actually becomes procrastination. . 

And that's what planet king can look like for some aspiring entrepreneurs. Who. Plan plan, plan everything to death, but never actually take the steps. To do the thing that they say they're going to do. And so they stay in paralysis for a long time. 

Another place. I see this planet. King for people in their careers is actually when I work with new grads. And people in their early to mid to late sometimes twenties. I have a special program for people in their twenties. And a lot of people who come into that program are people who went to school for something that they felt pressured. To do. You know, they had a parent or a loved one [00:12:00] who, you know, let's say, let's say it's someone who has a really artistic side and a real creative flair, but they were encouraged to do something. Quote unquote, practical. Like accounting. Or engineering. I mean, I can't tell you how many young people I've worked with, who. You know, Because a loving parent. Was. Truly trying to keep their kids safe. 

You know, these are loving, loving parents who do this. Misguided, but loving. In trying to keep their kids safe. They've pushed their child in a direction. That is a really strong mismatch for, for what that person actually cares about. And actually even a mismatch for that person's aptitude and ability in a particular area. And so what happens is that person comes out of school feeling. Not only completely lost, but very frustrated [00:13:00] and like a real loser because they can't seem to find. The drive to do the thing that they've been programmed. To do. So there are a lot of disheartened, 20 somethings out there. 

Who've been. Lovingly. Coaxed. Pressured to do something that is not right for them. So in that case, the planet. Thing wasn't really on the shoulders of the young person, , the planet king was executed by the parent and very often unconsciously, not intentionally, you know, no parent. Wants their child to be unhappy, but sometimes the drive for safety. 

Sometimes that drive for safety. We'll push. Someone too. Overly influence. Uh, somebody else's decision. So I see a lot of people who are in that situation as well. And so you notice the, the, the common [00:14:00] thing here around plannicking. Is it often results in a lot of paralysis. And inaction and inability to move forward. And that's because when we get anxious, When we get panicky. We tend to get myopic. We get shortsighted. And our vision becomes very narrow. 

And so we tend to make narrow minded decisions. That's just what happens when we're making decisions from a place of fear. And again, so much of this is unconscious for all of us. And I am the last one to judge, because let me tell ya. I've made a bunch of decisions in my life from this place, both in my personal life and my professional life. 

So we have all done this from time to time. And I think we can all say, , for those of us looking back, who've made these decisions. With a little distance, you can see [00:15:00] that they don't really work out for you. Right. It feels like the safest thing to do at the time. But because they're myopic, shortsighted, narrow minded decisions. 

They're often quite out of alignment. And so this is something that. I often have to. Help the people I work with just work through. And understand. 

And the work I do, we allude do a lot of decision autopsies. We take a look at. You know, some of the past decisions they've made and what motivated those decisions, that can be very informative. And when we look at the quest for certainty, you know, looking for something that is. Like locked in and future-proof, and fail-proof. 

When, when you zoom out and you look at that, you realize that that doesn't really [00:16:00] exist. 

And what's interesting is that also doesn't exist for the thing you're currently clinging to. Because all of us have some blind spots around the things that we're currently clinging to the illusion of a sure thing is just that it's an illusion. But we don't see that very often because we got our blind spots. 

Right. You know, it's funny sometimes the way we make decisions, including big life and career decisions. We're very good at assessing the risks of taking action. You know, taking, taking a look at the risks associated with making a change or ending something. Or trying something new. What we are again and again, not so great at. Is taking a look at the risks of inaction. We often forget to acknowledge the risks of not doing something of just hanging out in the status quo. 

And so we're [00:17:00] doing these very unbalanced risk assessments thinking. That we're making logical decisions, but we have all of these blind spots because there are just things that we've given very different weights to in our attention. And let me tell you, there are risks associated with inaction. I mean, ask anyone. Who has worked a job that has made them sick. I work with a lot of people who are in jobs that are making them sick people on sick leave. People who were on the edge of sick leave. 

People who have returned from a sick leave and end out burning out again, there are many, many risks associated with the status quo. So. More balanced risk assessments are certainly necessary. And like, uh, like I'm not a, I'm not a leap and the net will appear a kind of person. You might think I am because I'm a, I'm a career change coach, but [00:18:00] actually I am a deeply practical person. 

I am quite risk averse. I really believe in making. Thoughtful aligned decisions that feel. Both good and safe. But trying to control how things will play out. 5 10, 20, 30 years into the future. It's just not possible. So the best that we can do is try and make aligned decisions as we go while knowing and understanding that we will have to surf a little bit. As the waves of change, roll through our careers. 

Like have you noticed we live in an ever-changing world and how things keep changing? In what seems. Um, more and more fast paced way. That's how it feels to me. Things are ever changing. And faster and faster as we go. And so I [00:19:00] really do think that practicing. Agility. Loosening our grip a little bit and practicing. Rolling with things as they come is the new way of navigating our careers. 

Yes. Certainly making good, aligned, thoughtful decisions for ourselves when we can. And knowing that even when we do so there are going to be elements that are out of Icontrol. I think people who do that. We'll be the best off moving forward. So. Is there something you can loosen your grip on this week in your current job and the way you think about your future. Think about it. I practice starting that agility now. 

And you'll be preparing yourself for the future. 

Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.

Hey, Hey, I'm still here. I [00:20:00] have some one-on-one coaching spots that will open up very soon. I work with people who know they need a change. But feel quite lost. About what's next. That's my special brand of magic. So, if that is you and you want some help to get unstuck, I will put a link to my one-on-one coaching in the show notes. 

And I will also put a link to my email so that you can send me a little note before you sign up. I'm accessible. You can reach out first. And I really welcome that. Thanks for being here. I'll see you next time.